Rumpelstiltskin Must Die
by ThatGuyBehindYou
Summary: An epic tale of revenge starring all your favorite fairy tale characters!
1. A Strange Phone Call

**A/N: **This is the product of my staying up all night reading fairy tales.

Cinderella rushed into her room. She slammed the door, flung herself onto the bed, and started sobbing. Never in her life had she ever felt so alone. Just then, the phone rang. Her sobs were so loud, that it was only after the third ring that she realized what was happening. She picked up the receiver.

"Hello?" she said, in a voice as sweet as sugar.

"Hello," said a voice at the other end

"Who is this?" she asked.

"Rumpelstiltskin. I was just-"

"What kind of a name is that?" she interrupted.

"Well, what kind of a name is Cinderella?" he shot back.

"Wait a minute, how did you know my name?" she asked, bewildered..

"Oh, come now." said Rumpelstiltskin. "Everybody knows your name. Anyway, I-"

"Does that mean I have stalkers all over the world? That's creepy." she said.

"I'm sure, but-"

"Does everybody know your name, too?" she interrupted again. Rumpelstiltskin was at the end of his rope.

"Would you just shut up for a minute?" he shrieked. Cinderella fell silent. "Thank you. I was wondering if I could interest you in-"

"No!" said Cinderella. "I'm not interested in your stupid mass-produced products!"

"But," he persisted. "I can spin gold out of straw!"

"Psh, like I care! I was in the middle of a crying session when you called, and, if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to it!" she said.

"Oh?" he asked, sounding interested. "What were you crying about?"

"I'll tell you when it's any of your business!" she said.

With that, she hung up the phone and continued with her cry. No sooner had she started, than the phone rang again. She picked it up.

"What?"

"Please tell me!" said that same voice at the other end.

"No!" she shouted. "Now leave me alone!"

"This wouldn't be about your fairy god-mother dying in a bloody battle, would it?" he asked.

"Wait, how did you know about that?" she said, shocked.

"It was all over the news." answered Rumpelstiltskin. "If that's the case, give me the chance to say that I am infinitely sorry for your loss. She seemed like a very sweet woman."

"Oh, I could care less about her as a person." said Cinderella. "I'm just upset that she won't be able to grant my wishes anymore!"

"Oh, is that it?" asked Rumpelstiltskin. "I'll tell you what. I know a thing or two about alchem- I mean- magic, and I would be more than happy to step in for her."

"Really?" she asked, skeptical.

"Really." he answered. "I'll be over there in a flash." The next moment, Cinderella heard a knocking on her door. She walked over and opened it, but, to her great surprise, nobody was there.

**A/N: **R&R!


	2. Rumpelstiltskin

As you might guess, she was very confused. _How could there have been a knock on the door if nobody had been there to do the knocking?_ Cinderella shrugged, shut the door, and turned away. _It must have been my imagination. _ The next moment, there was another knock at the door. Cinderella went to the door and opened it. Again, nobody was there. _Am I losing my mind? _

"Hello?" she tried.

"Hello." said a familiar voice, which seemed to be coming out of thin air.

"Hello?" she said again.

"Hello." said that same voice.

"Hello?" Cinderella said once more, starting to get rather frightened.

"Hello!", said the voice, clearly irritated at this point.

"Um…. I'm sorry…I…." she stammered.

"You can't be serious." said the voice. "Are you an idiot or something?"

"_Excuse _me?" she said, offended. "You could've at least told me you were invisible!"

"_Invisible_? What the hell-"

"And don't call me an idiot, you meanie!"

"But, _invisible_?"

"Yeah! Now clean up your act, or I'll have to tell my big weightlifter husband how rude you are to the ladies!"

"Oh my God, you are _such_ a cliché!" said the voice.

"There you go again!" she said.

"For Chris sakes, woman, look down!"

Cinderella looked. Part of her wanted to cry out in horror, and part of her wanted to giggle with delight. Standing there was a short little man. He was short enough to be a dwarf, or maybe even an elf. He was not a handsome creature by any means, and not a particularly handsome dresser, for that matter. He had very large ears and a long, pointed nose, and atop his egg-shaped head was a tall purple hat. _And he said __**I **__was a cliché_!

"Oh, hello." she said, finally.

"Not this again!" said the bizarre creature, who, Cinderella deduced, had to be Rumpelstiltskin.

"Come on in." she said.

He walked into the room.

"This is a nice place you have here." he remarked.

"Thanks." she said. "My husband bought it for me. He buys me the nicest things. In fact, the other day-"

"Lady," he interrupted. "I might be here to help you out, but I'm not going to be your girlfriend." _Well, he certainly isn't polite like my fairy godmother was, but I guess all that matters is he'll be granting my wishes._ "So," he continued. "What's your first wish?"

"Well," Cinderella began. "Ever since I found out I _had_ a fairy godmother, I've been wanting to wish that my evil stepmother was dead." Rumpelstiltskin nodded.

"I've got the perfect guy for the job." he said. "Cinderella, meet the Beast." He picked up a long chain that had somehow found its way into the room, and tugged on it. Cinderella could hear someone, or something roaring in pain. "He's an amazing hunter." Rumpelstiltskin continued. "I found him lurking about in the wings of my castle a couple of years ago, and have kept him as my slave ever since."

"And you take him everywhere you go?" asked Cinderella.

"Yes, pretty much." Rumpelstiltskin answered.

Finally, the creature at the other end of the long chain was dragged into the room. His looks alone made the term, 'Beast' an understatement. He was almost three times Cinderella's size, and covered with fur. Two horns protruded out of either side of his big, bulky head. In his mouth were the sharpest teeth imaginable. Despite his terrifying persona, his large, sad eyes told Cinderella that he didn't enjoy being Rumpelstiltskin's slave. However, both of them lit up when they saw her. Cinderella could tell from countless experiences that this 'beast' was madly in love with her. As if the look in his eyes wasn't enough, he was literally drooling.

Given her experience in this field, Cinderella opted to ignore him and shifted her attention back to Rumpelstiltskin.

"So, this guy can grant my wish?" she asked.

"Yes. Nobody better."

"But aren't _you _supposed to be the one granting my wishes?" she asked.

"Look, do you want your wish to come true or not?" he asked. Cinderella nodded meekly. "Then don't question me." She watched as he whispered something in the Beast's ear. The next moment, Rumpelstiltskin was unlocking the lock that attached the Beast to the chain. "Now, after you've completed." he said to him. "Come right back here, or I'll rip your heart out." The Beast bowed his head and stepped out of the room. _He really shouldn't treat him like that, but, hey, if he can get rid of my evil stepmother, it's worth it._


	3. The Beast

The next thing Cinderella heard was a scream, a crash, a "Why are you doing this to me?!" and an earth-shaking roar. The Beast came back into the room, covered in blood.

"Oh my God!" cried Cinderella. "You actually killed her!"

"Isn't that what you wanted?" asked Rumpelstiltskin, confused.

"I guess so." said Cinderella.

"Then could you please be grateful?" he said.

"Yes! I'm sorry. Thank you very, very much." _My fairy godmother never made me thank her._

"So," said Rumpelstiltskin. "What's your second wish?"

"Well," she said. "I've always wanted a unicorn."

"Okay, I'll be right back." He ran out of the room. The Beast stared at Cinderella, drooling with lust.

"You know, I was once a prince." he said. He had a deep, husky voice.

"Were you, now?" she asked, uninterested.

"Yes." he answered. "I lived in a shining castle."

"Did you, now?" she asked, uninterested.

"Yes." he answered. "Although I had everything my heart desired, I was spoiled, selfish, and unkind."

"Were you, now?" she asked, uninterested.

"Yes." he answered. "But then, one winter's night, Rumpelstiltskin came to the castle." _This _caught Cinderella's attention.

"Did he, now?" she asked, interested.

"Yes." he answered. "He offered me a single rose, in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by his ugly appearance, I sneered at the gift and turned Rumpelstiltskin away. But, he warned me not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. When I dismissed him again, he transformed me into a hideous beast, took me as his slave, and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there."

"Did he, now?" she asked, interested.

"Yes." he answered. "If I can learn to love another, and earn her love in return, then the spell would be broken. But, as the years passed, I fell into despair, and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love......A BEAST?"

"Well, I sure couldn't, I'll tell you that." said Cinderella. The Beast looked as if he were about to cry. _Maybe I shouldn't have said that.... _Just then, Rumpelstiltskin returned, glaring at the Beast as he walked through the door. Cinderella noticed that he was carrying a braying goat.

"You idiot!!" Cinderella yelled. "I said I wanted a _unicorn_! That's a goat!"

"Do you think I'm blind?" he asked.

"Yes, if you consider that goat a unicorn!" Cinderella answered.

"Watch this!" he said, putting the goat on the floor. He took out a big butcher knife and brought it down on one of its horns. Cinderella screamed and shut her eyes tight.


	4. The Sparkly Unicorn

When Cinderella opened her eyes, standing where the goat had been, was the glowing form of a beautiful unicorn! It was white as snow with a pink mane and tail. It had sparkly purple hooves and rainbow eyes. It was love at first sight. Cinderella bounded over and threw her arms around it.

"Oh my God, he's perfect!!!!!!" she squealed. "His name is Magic, and I will love him for the rest of forever!" She then proceeded to hug Rumplestiltskin, but instead found her arms around what seemed to be an oversized fur ball. With horror, she realized that she had somehow misguided her embrace, and was now hugging the Beast, who seemed to be hugging her back, and enjoying it immensely.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" Her scream was muffled, as her face was buried in his chest. She tried to push him off of her, but he wouldn't let go. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" she screamed again. "I can't breathe!!!!"

"I'm sorry," she heard Rumpelstiltskin say. "Did you say something?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

"Anyway, it's getting late," said Rumpelstiltskin. "I think we best be on our way." Cinderella heard a whip crack, a yelp of pain, and felt cool air greet her face. "I will see you tomorrow." He continued, fastening the chain to the Beast's collar. The Beast looked at Cinderella, miserably. _He's trying to make me feel guilty, I know, but it won't work!_ With a wave, Rumpelstiltskin walked out the door, dragging the Beast behind him.

Once Rumpelstiltskin was gone, Cinderella turned to her new unicorn, and looked at him in admiration. As she did, she noticed something very familiar, but she hadn't the faintest idea of what this something might be. She hadn't seen too many unicorns in her life, and she didn't know anybody else who had a snow-white hide, a pink mane, sparkly purple hooves, and rainbow eyes, but there was just something behind this dazzling exterior, something she knew very well. Thought provoking as this was, she did her best to shake it from her mind; after all, here was this real, live, sparkly unicorn standing in her own bedroom, and all she was doing was noting familiarity! Without another thought, she jumped on Magic's back and rode him out the window, and into the beautiful, starry night sky.


End file.
